Recovery

Recovery Isn't Instant
No duh.
I still have nightmares from my breakup months ago. I still have this struggle and sadness within me. But it's not about the breakup, in fact, at all. It goes a lot deeper than that. I would say that I'm over my breakup, but I think that the idea of "getting over it" is over-rated, because every negative thing should be a learning experience—I don't want to view circumventing God as "getting over it", (but that's a different post for a different day.) I have battled the demons of "I screwed up the relationship" and "it's just a break" and "my ex is a total jerk" but there is something else inside that is stronger than those.

All of my life, I've been afraid of people leaving me. I've been afraid of family dying (especially parents), friends suddenly dying, and of my parent's divorcing.

So, a lot of my life has been lived in fear. Even if it is less so now, I still live some of my life in fear.



Back to my point
When I was in a romantic relationship I lived with this fear that she would leave me. I wasn't ever really sure why, and I wasn't sure why her leaving did what it did to me. But just the other day on the way home from I blurted out something that made me realize why this struggle is so intense, vibrant and real for me.

I am the type of person that goes for attention, but not in a way that pushes people away. People don't like to listen to complaining, so I don't complain. I act crazy and silly, and I talk a lot.

But people mistake the quantity of my words for the quality of who I am.

Few people take the time to really get to know me. I think that I suck the energy out of a lot of people (Sorry introverts! :P ) but some people overcome that and get to know, well, you know, me.

Austin, Benjamin, Caleb, Ellen, Faith, Gabriel, Grant, Jeremy, Joe, Kendrick, Marla, Michael, Mrs. Peters, Tessa, and my ex girlfriend all took the time to get to know me on a more personal level.

I may have missed a few, but those are the main ones, especially of late.

But only Jeremy, Tessa and my ex girlfriend had/took the time to know me inside and out, to know what makes me tick and how I think. It's amazing, having someone that knows what you're thinking without needing to say anything. Just explain through a hug. Just explain by asking for a chance to talk. Just explain by a facial expression.

It was wonderful to be that completely known by them.

So what I'm saying is...
I'm having a hard time typing this because I'm shaking all over. I'm having a hard time forming these words, because the pain that lives inside of me—that which I have ignored—is ugly. It's a monster. A snake head.

It wasn't hard for me to acknowledged that there are other fish in the sea. It isn't hard for me to let go of the reasons behind the breakup. It isn't (too) hard for me to forgive now.

But the reason why the sadness has existed and festered is because I fed it lies and kept its' strength up.

I told it that my girlfriend broke up with me because she saw who I was.
I told it that the reason why she broke up was that I wasn't good enough.
I told it that people don't get to know me as deeply as others because I lack depth.

Each of those were twisted truths, not blatant lies.
My girlfriend was my girlfriend because of who I was, and she broke up because of who I wasn't.
She broke up with me because we both were on the wrong track, I did the best that I knew how to.
People can be mean, but I am surrounded by good people. That list of people that took the time to know me has grown since initially writing the list. People love me.

And most importantly, God loves me.

God will never leave me.
Regardless of what I've done.
Regardless of who I am.
Regardless of the lies that I tell myself.
Regardless of my ex.
Regardless of how I feel about God.

I am loved despite what I've done.
I am loved because of who I am.
God has given me his truth, and that will set me free.
I don't have all of the answers, and I cannot understand everything.
God has made the choice to love me, unconditionally, uncontrollably and without limits.

In Conclusion
I am not yet recovered. I don't think it will come anytime soon, because my nights are still filled with grief, and my days are grey-scaled and have lost their vibrancy. Even though I am still sad, I've made a lot of progress. And when I look at where I've come from and who I am today, I feel so much better.

God has great amazing plans for me. He's told me that I will be a pillar, and I am ready to stand tall.

My Life Sometimes

I don't know what I'm doing, so here's some bleh, God. Please change that bleh or change my opinion.

-Josh

Pride and Arrogance

Arrogance, and pride are huge issues today! You see them, running throughout politics, throughout the media, throughout everywhere around you. It's such a sad world that we live in, with all of these arrogant and prideful people mucking about! If only someone with some sense would just step up to the plate!

Alright, as you can tell, I've got quite a bit of feeling involved in this. I am going to be looking at this partially sarcastically, but partially to let everyone know that this is a serious issue in the church.

Arrogant (ar·ro·gant)

   -having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities.

Pride /prīd/

   -a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.

I promise you, I'm preaching to myself also. With that in mind, let's dive in!

More Myers Briggs Stuff!

Part 2
Waaaay back in January I made a post about MBTI called: Myers Briggs Type Indicator in which I gave some details on the MBTI. Well, here I want to take an opportunity to dive a little bit more into the type indicator, and how you can determine your type fairly easily. This is also useful in determining what type a friend or relative may have. This will not always be right, because people act like who they aren't on occasion, and some people aren't comfortable being who they are. So keep that in mind.

Also, this will be for some different post, but Myers Briggs categorizes people too easily. As always, I would recommend going off of percentages rather than giving someone a four letter type. And know that you can always end up changing types, or finding out that some of your life is a bit of a facade, as I learned back when I switched from J to P.

Anyway, feel free to look at this list of both types to get a rough idea of what type you are and what percent you are of that type. Don't worry about what side of the list it's on, just write down a little mark somewhere to alert you of your choice. Maybe copy and paste this in a word processing program and put a little asterisk next to your choice. Don't worry about contradicting yourself sometimes (for instance, I like parties, but smaller groups.) For laughs and giggles, I've marked an asterisk next to my choices on this list. Whatever your choice is, remember to have fun! This isn't serious, it's just a way to better get an idea about why you do what you do. :)

{UPDATE: I retook this test on 1/13/14 and those answers are astericks surrounded by }

Enough talking, on to...
The Glorious List of "Gloriousness"

Things

Things of this world, are passing away...

That's the resounding anthem of the slightly cheesy 90's hip hop song "Things of This World" by dcTalk. The song's point is about how much we value the stupid (and important) things in life so much more than we should. It's way too easy to do. I mean, look at the following questions. How many of them fit in with your recent thoughts or feelings?

I love my friends.

I love my dog.

I love that movie that I watched the other day.

I love being crew chief.

I love the leadership position that I hold in my theater group.

How to Know if You Are Not Ready for A Relationship

Forward

I originally had written this in July, on the 7^th. This was roughly 3 weeks before my girlfriend and I took a break (and then I did some stuff that I really regret.) Crazy timing, and it makes this almost pretty weird to publish now. But at least I knew that I was thinking then, and I wasn't being blind. I don't want people to look at this as a "screw you" to my ex girlfriend, because that was not my intention when it was originally written, and neither is it my intention now. This will be a jump back to my brain of July 7^th, when I was happy as happy could be. Though I cannot speak for who I was in this post, I can say what and how I thought. And I think that this post reflects that. With that, let's go! 

 All my edited marks are put inside of these curly brackets ( { or } )

"How to Know if You Are Not Ready for A Relationship"

Passage, The Game

I'm a bit of a gamer
Not just that, I'm pretty knowledgeable about a LOT of games—even games that I have no interest in playing. And because of this, I was slightly surprised when I heard about Passage. With good games, the word usually gets out quite quickly, and so there aren't many that I need to do research on. There are a few notable exceptions of games that were not popular and I did have to do some research on, but for the most part, this is a category where I truly know my stuff.

But passage is something different
I'm rarely this emotionally affected by a game. I mean, I'm writing a blog post because of it, so that means that it must mean a lot to me, no? Just like most every game, you move around, accomplish your goal and finish. Unlike most every game, there are no enemies, there is no clear goal and the finish is something entirely unexpected.

It's 2D side scrolling game with only 4 inputs—Up, Down, Left and Right. And those do exactly what you'd think they'd do.

Riling Up The Joshster

It all started at 1:10 AM

Early this morning, a friend asked me an interesting question:

"What makes you angry?"

Well, I thought, "lots of things, let me make a list." So, I quickly listed four things that really irritate me. And I looked at that list and I was like, "yes, those all irritate me." Little did I realize that I had completely dodged the question.

Because anger goes much deeper than irritation, doesn't it? Some may ask of you:

"Why are you angry?"

The better question would be:

"What does this anger prompt you to do?"

Even Jesus Was Angry

In each gospel, Jesus enters the temple and he sees his father's house being completely disgraced. Jesus get's super ticked and does something that's pretty different from what we had seen Jesus do up until that point: he makes a huge point, by flipping tables and yelling at the leaders there.¹

Yeah, yeah, you've heard this story before, but have you really thought about it?

I'm in a production of Fiddler on the Roof right now, and there is a segment in which the Russians come in and disrupt a wedding ceremony and among other things, flip tables. It's a very emotional part of the story, and hearing that wood crash to the ground as they are flipped is humbling in a weird sort of way.

Now, imagine your picture of Jesus going about doing that. He's not having the sweetest of tones, he's mad. He walks up to a priest and says, "What are you doing?! You are a bunch of thieves in my father's home. How dare you?" He walks over and throws the table upside down. He uses his foot to kick another one. He's not just getting attention, he is making a point. And he righteously uses that anger to make that point.

My Response Was Nothing but a Quick Dodge

I'm just going to quote exactly my conversation:

"1 - When people don't hold a respect for the rules.

2 - People who hold others down, limiting their true potential in order to make a system easier to control.

3 - People who don't hold true to their word. (This bugs me more than it should, people change all the time)

4 - Seeing people who cannot defend themselves being hurt."

While all of these things may irritate me (quite a bit actually) I realize that I cannot blame troubles on those around me. I can place blame so easily. "It's all Larissa's fault", "it's all my parent's fault", "it's all God's fault."

Or just as bad...

"It's all my fault."

Each and every one of these is very, very destructive. Nothing has been solved thinking this way. I've only locked the feeling deep down inside of me and let it fester. And when something festers, when it comes out, it's not just a pure sadness, it's been mixed with anger, disappointment, and fear.

What Anger Has Caused Me to Do

Anger is nothing without a rein on it. Anger is self destructive until you turn that into your own tool with which you will do battle for the greater good. I'd say this, but I think that Aristotle says it more beautifully than I could:

"Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy."²

 I thought about each of these a lot more since then. I have specified where it wasn't before, and here is the updated list of things that make me angry.

1 - I am saddened when people do not respect authority and break rules

Thinking about this, I have decided that I have so much fun, but I need to work again on setting a good example at the appropriate times. I compromise far too often, and I do not want to continue down this road. Going forward, I will try my hardest to be an obedient follower.

2 - When people hold others down (limiting their true potential) in order to make a system easier to control, it gets under my skin.

Well, for one thing, I could stop doing it. Back when I first joined HYPE I started plugging people in where they would best be suited (I'll have to write a future post about that also) but eventually I started looking at people as their type and not them as a person. Once you get to that level, Myers Briggs is out the window, it's time to focus on the people, because they are so much more than percentages of 4 letters.

3 - People who don't hold true to their word frustrate me. (This bugs me more than it should...)

No, that doesn't bug me more than it should. That is such a good thing to be angered by. And you know what I can do? I can do two very great things:

•I can follow through. If I've said that I'll do something, I just need to push through and finish.

•I can watch my tongue very closely, so as to not make a promise I cannot keep.

Both of these things are so hard for me to do. So, so, so hard. But I can do it—but I do not plan on doing it by my strength alone.

4 - Seeing injustice done makes me very angry.

I can take a stand against injustice. If I see crap going down, I will come down hard on those who are dishing it out. I have been given the gift of influence, and I will use this for good. I hate seeing people hurt, and I hate it when bullies get away. If I have to fight against figurative bullies, if they walk away, it will be with a few figurative brusies. I refuse to stand by and watch my fellow man be hurt. I can't stop all injustice, but if I can put my foot down and protect some, I will.

In Conclusion
Yeah, I wish that things were different in a few different areas of my life, but I'm not going to let that hold me down. God has held my hand through this discovery, and I'm going to keep holding him close.

Love Is (1st Corinthians 13)

Hey people. I have been a little bit of a backsliding christian recently, you know skipping Bible reading and stuff. I know, I know, pretty serious.

But recently I've picked it back up, and I've had my eyes opened several times. Today was one of those times that didn't just open my eyes, but I got hit smack dab in the middle of the face with a hundred pounds of bricks. I have rarely felt more strongly His presence than I have today, and I felt pretty strongly about writing this. So, here goes...

I may speak in the languages of humans and of angels. But if I don't have love, I am a loud gong or a clashing cymbal.
I may have the gift to speak what God has revealed, and I may understand all mysteries and have all knowledge. I may even have enough faith to move mountains. But if I don't have love, I am nothing.
I may even give away all that I have and give up my body to be burned. But if I don't have love, none of these things will help me.
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn't jealous. It doesn't sing its own praises. It isn't arrogant.
It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. It doesn't keep track of wrongs.
It isn't happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth.
Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up.
Love never comes to an end. There is the gift of speaking what God has revealed, but it will no longer be used. There is the gift of speaking in other languages, but it will stop by itself. There is the gift of knowledge, but it will no longer be used.
But when what is complete comes, then what is incomplete will no longer be used.
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became an adult, I no longer used childish ways.
Now we see a blurred image in a mirror. Then we will see very clearly. Now my knowledge is incomplete. Then I will have complete knowledge as God has complete knowledge of me.
So these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the best one of these is love.

Now, if you are anything like me, you've read this many times. Maybe even a hundred. Each time that I've read it, I've thought about how I treat my parents, how I treat my family, and how I treat Larissa. I would filter the ones that I didn't do as well, and then just praise myself for the ones I did do correctly. While this may have created quite the positive attitude, it did not help teach me anything.

I realized after reading it just now, that I have always ALWAYS divided that up into two separate parts, utilizing the first, and just writing off the second. Well, I am going to try to not do that any longer, because I have missed something so essential and important for way too long!

Pretty much any way you look at it, I have been a complete and utter jerk to my ex-girlfriend. Okay, that's if you look at it the nice way. If I was honest, I would be using a few different words than I am right now, but you get the basic idea. I have been a pretty despicable person, I know that I have. I can always justify how I behave, but when I read this today it hit me like a hundred pounds of bricks, straight in the face, and there is no denying it any longer. I cannot and will not be ok with the status quo—to quote Dr. Horrible, “the status is not quo.”

Let's take a step back
"Alright, so, big deal Joshua", you may be saying. "You have grown into a big boy, congrats."

Nope, stop right there. That's how I looked at life, but I will not any more. Each sermon has something new that I can learn. Each time a person speaks, it's not just white noise, it's important!

Break it Down
Verses 1-3

"I may speak in the languages of humans and of angels. But if I don't have love, I am a loud gong or a clashing cymbal. I may have the gift to speak what God has revealed, and I may understand all mysteries and have all knowledge. I may even have enough faith to move mountains. But if I don't have love, I am nothing. I may even give away all that I have and give up my body to be burned. But if I don't have love, none of these things will help me. "

Ok, simple enough, right? Nope. Go read it again. Even if you have faith to move mountains, speak non-human languages, give everything that you have and die for your beliefs, it's still counted as nothing. We are a people who are commanded to love. To love without holding back

Verses 4-7

"Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn't jealous. It doesn't sing its own praises. It isn't arrogant.
It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. It doesn't keep track of wrongs.
It isn't happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth.
Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up."

Read that again. It's not too hard to think of the last time that you were kind or patient—it's easy to find the good in us. Let's instead think about someone who has been bugging you for awhile. Think about your little brother, a friend, a parent, an ex girlfriend, an annoying professor or anyone that has been getting under your skin.

For the curious, each and every single one of those is relevant to me, so do not think that I'm just spewing words, I mean what I say because I'm learning how big of a deal it it. IT IS A HUGE DEAL! Do not just let this slide.

Anyway. Think about that person from before, and ask yourself nine questions:

1. When was the last time you were jealous of or for that person? 
2. When was the last time you were rude to that person? 
3. Irritable? 
4. Have you really, truly forgiven that person? 
5. Have you been kind to that person recently?
6. Have you ever made a decision just to hurt them?
7. Have you twisted their words?
8. Do you hope for that person's best? 
9. Are you committed to not giving up on that person?

If you are anything at all like me, you will find that you have not done very well, on several of these accounts. I know that I haven't. But there is a God who loves you and who has forgiven you, and that is a relief.

Verses 8-10

"Love never comes to an end. There is the gift of speaking what God has revealed, but it will no longer be used. There is the gift of speaking in other languages, but it will stop by itself. There is the gift of knowledge, but it will no longer be used. But when what is complete comes, then what is incomplete will no longer be used."

Lots of interesting stuff in here. If we stop loving a person, did we even love them in the first place? The rest seems straightforward (at least in my interpretation) and appears to reference a love more potent and complete than we can even know or experience now.

Verses 11-12

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became an adult, I no longer used childish ways. Now we see a blurred image in a mirror. Then we will see very clearly. Now my knowledge is incomplete. Then I will have complete knowledge as God has complete knowledge of me."

When I was a child. This was not too long ago. I don't consider myself all grown up or mature by any means, but there is no denying that I have been changed. I have felt like I hit near rock bottom before I finally saw what it meant to love. I learned too late, and I hurt lots of people as I've gone through my life. I wish that I could undo the harm that I have done, but I can be comforted by knowing that my God has forgiven me.

I see my life as a blurred image in a mirror. I look and I see fog, but I will be able to look back someday and see this clearly. I have no idea what God is going to make out of this mess that I've made, but I know that he will make this into something that is not dark or scary, but instead a way that I can reach people. God will show us the plan later, when he points to our life and he says "I did that, because of XReason." This will be so comforting, even though it isn't now, I can rest my life in his hands as he guides me through my life. Though it is not easy now, I have to trust that his plan is perfect, and that submission to him will be the greatest decision that I can make.

Verse 13

"So these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the best one of these is love."

This is not a verse to be taken lightly. Faith is how we believe what we believe. Hope is involved in every aspect of how we live and what we want in life. But the bible says that love is the best. The greatest. I want to be able to love with the unshakable love that Paul described in this chapter.

Conclusion
I am broken, but not hopelessly. I am a mess, but not a failure. I am a child of the king. I am someone that will learn to pick up the pieces and move on. I will learn to love.

God has forgiven me for my wrongs. I have a lot of people that I need to make up with, but I am committed to living a life for the glory of God. I no longer consider my life mine, but just another way to glorify my savior.

Praise his name, the savior of screwed up people!

Board Games for Boring Days (2)

Hey Yo!

Back in January I made this post about board games called Board Games for Boring Days. Though yesterday wasn't boring per se, I did not enjoy a minute of the video games I played, and I was all over the place emotionally, but that's for a different post (haha, or not.)

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BANG!

Let me just start by saying that BANG! is a weird game. Now, in this case, weird is definitely not bad. It is made by the foreign company "daVinci Editrice" to be along the lines of a Spaghetti Western film, complete with guns, Wells Fargo Wagons, and drinking beer to recover health.

Yes, the game is ridiculous. Each player is assigned a character and a role, and they have to play the game from there fulfilling that role. The four roles in BANG! are: Sheriff, Deputy(s), Outlaws, and Renegade. - I can't help it, I love that song. ;)

Pros:

•Lots of good strategy elements.

•Western theme makes for some super fun moments.
•Pretty balanced.
•"I'm your favorite deputy!"

Cons:
•Poor name choice often results in questionable character choices.
•A bit of takedown required
•Super steep learning curve
•Despite being mostly balanced, a few of the characters feel really powerful.
•Renegade rarely wins

Final thoughts:
YEEHAW! It's crazy zany fun, that has plenty of strategy involved.

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Careers

Ok, this is in no way a new game AT ALL. This game was originally made in the 60's and has been updated since. Imagine a lot of Life, mixed with some monopoly elements. You roam around the board, and will occasionally have problems running into unemployment or going to the hospital. Unlike Monopoly, you aren't forever up a creek if you don't get the right roll the first few times around.

The big difference in this game is that everyone has their own career goals. There are three different commodities in this game -- Money, Happiness and Fame. The goal is to fulfill your own personal combination of the three, and as long as they all add up to 60, you are in the clear. So, you might decide to go for 25 Fame, 15 Thousand Dollars, and 20 Happiness. As soon as one person accomplishes their goal, they reveal that the game is over. There is quite a bit of strategy regarding how the goal is accomplished, and few games look similar to a previous game.

Pros:

•Easy to get out and play

•Good balance between fun and thinking (I'm an ESTP, so take that for what's its worth. ;) )
•Overall well designed and thought through game.
•Not forever up a creek without a paddle if you get bad rolls the first few times around.

Cons:
•I always lose to Jon
•Doesn't offer as much flexibility in the game
•Due to the lack of flexibility, there is somewhat of a steep learning curve

Final thoughts:
Well balanced game with less of a luck factor than some other popular games.
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Personal Preference


Personal Preference is a Canadian game made originally made by "Playtoy Industries"

La préférence personnelle est un jeu canadien fait à l'origine par "Playtoy Industries"

Ok, ok, that was a lame joke, I know. :P
This game was made back in the 80's and could be categorized as a "get to know you" type game. Competition is light, and there is very little strategy involved.

The game has players going around a board, and the first one to reach the end wins. There are two ways to get points: by rolling the die on your turn, and by guessing a person's preference correctly. There are four different preference categories; Activities, Food, Potpourri and People. The player will land on one of those squares and will proceed to organize the cards in their hand to match their own personal preference and then everyone takes guesses by placing their number tokens on the appropriate corners of the board. If you are super sure of your guess, you can even place the number in the middle, giving you DOUBLE the movement forward if you're right, but one step back if you are wrong.

Pros:

•Good get to know you better game

•Just fun in general
•Fun combinations (i.e. Shatner v.s. ham)
•Rewards observing a person's interests in various activities.

Cons:
•Not fun if you don't know everyone
•The game is dated, and a lot of the famous people may not be known to younger players.
•Cleanup from the last turn happens all the time, and can make the game feel a little slow

Final thoughts:
Great game that puts relationships, individual tastes and fun in the spotlight.
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So, yeah.
Hopefully that gave you a little bit of an insight into the games that I like, and maybe it's even convinced you to buy more games. Whatever your final verdict, make sure to remember this one thing:

PLAYING GAMES IS FUN!!!