The Chameleon

Back Story
On July 7th, I wrote a poem. It was sorta a weird time for me, sorta like the storm before the wreck. My inner life was in turmoil but I was making the best of it. Well, I wrote a while, and this is what came out of it.

"'Fitting into other’s lives,

barely living my own.

fulfilling their wishes

to fill an endless hole.

Then, I found you

I tried to fit you where only God should go

yet, only Christ can fill

Only Jesus can make me whole.

I am a chameleon.'

I don't want to want to know God. And I don't want to drain happiness from other people. I need to take this life God has given me, and love it. I need to get happiness vertically, not horizontally."

It was a dark time for me, but I liked this. I don't quite know what draws me to it, but I am drawn to it none-the-less. So, I hope that you have gotten something out of it.

-Joshua

The Various States of a Relationship

THE GRAND INTRO
Through my very extensive experience with relationships (Note, sarcasm) I have noticed a thing or two about the health of a relationship. I've seen there be a few different stages, and I'm going to go over them in a slightly comical way. So, without further ado...

THE GRAND LIST

ICE CREAM

Pretty healthy

Some Fights

More Fights

ICE CREAM

Now, I'll go over each one a little bit more in depth.

ICE CREAM

You guessed it, ice cream! Due to ice cream's most excellent taste, it's something that is desirable especially during a good time in a relationship. The choices for ice cream are many, and the combinations are near limitless. It is for an all around good time, maybe while playing board games, maybe while watching a movie, or MAYBE EVEN WRITING A BLOG POST. Maybe.

Pretty Healthy

Ok, you aren't living in some paradise land where bacon flows off of the mountain, canned peas actually taste good and chocolate jumps out of the ground. There are rules to life, and one of them is this:

Eating food makes you fat, unless you exercise (Often this ends up being a waste of time) -Just kidding!

So you realize, sure this makes me happy. But being not fat also makes me happy, so out with the ice cream! (Except on special occasions)

Some Fights

Uh-oh. Stuff is going down, you've got some stress in your life. You may be randomly punching pillows, or allowing people to know your secret identity. Be careful of what you say, and never let the sun go down on your anger... or else...

More Fights

Ahh crap. Now you've done it. You life is now what some may call an "utterly confusing place". You may even start peeling potatoes due to anger, or you may start sucking on ice cubes for no logical reason. It is possible that someone in this state may even play solitaire computer games in order to calm the brain.

ICE CREAM

You've hit the bottom. The only way up is a long ladder, but at least you have your comfort. Screw being not fat, it's more important that you survive. No matter what you do, get help. You need it, and others hate to see you eat all of the ice cream.

Conclusion

Well, that was... interesting. A little delve into Josh, hopefully you aren't scared away yet. But if you are, I suppose you aren't even reading this so it doesn't matter what I say.

Goodbye

-Joshua

Joshua's Somewhat Dark (but Overall Positive) Musings

Hey everyone. I've had some stuff going through my brain these last few days, and for some stupid freaking reason, it's been just about as hard as the last few months which should just not be. >.<

That's probably due to the fact that I have just been letting go of whatever anger I've held onto and am now just left with questions of "what if". Yeah, it's kinda sad. ;)

Picture it like this:
I'm wearing a t-shirt, damp with sweat, as I stumble out of this maze like cave. The sun is up, and coming down on me, but it's really cold. It's winter. Though my favorite season may have been spent inside of a cave, deep in my emotions, I have gained much knowledge about myself that I would never have had otherwise. As I step forward, the sweat becomes very cold against my body. I move onward, because I know in my heart that all I need to do is trudge through some snow before I reach the cabin. If I stay where I am, I'll freeze. But with God's help, I move forward. With his guidance I take each step. Slowly, I'll move towards a brighter future, but I'm not going to force it; not in this weather.

That's where I'm at. I'm so broken, but I don't really care at this point. I'm just a tool in God's toolbox, and if he can make use of a broken hammer better than he can one that is in perfect shape, so be it.

Speaking of Hammer...
I have had this song stuck in my head for the past few days, and it is powerful.

I recommend that you give it a listen. It's helped me a lot recently, and it's just plain awesome also. I really would love to be in this musical someday. :)

Bringing it back...
So, yeah, that's where I'm at right now. I'm digging deep into who God wants me to be, and less of who I want me to be. Some people may say "if your dream is within reason, just go for it. You can accomplish pretty much anything."

Well, that's great for people who have dreams and aspirations.

But I don't want to have my future right now. I tried doing life the Josh way, (where I dated the heck out of a beautiful girl who loves God, got married and had kids) and that didn't work out so well. So I'm ready to try things the God way, because that's infinitely better.

In addition, I've started going by Joshua. I can be silly, I can be serious, and saying that Josh is silly and Joshua is serious is a huge limitation, so bye bye. I'm becoming more onion like (No, no, no, I'm not making people cry on purpose) in that I have layers of Joshua, and only my closest of friends see the middlemost parts.

One Last Thing
Be careful of what you do and what you say. I'm not an expert at doing life, but I do know now that if you are ever angry, freaking sleep on it first. Sometimes, stuff just isn't a big deal, and I've gotten better at letting stuff go.

So, I leave you with one final thought that has been wandering around in my mind for the past couple of days:

Hurt people hurt people

-Joshua

Possible New Favorite Bible Verse

"When he falls, he will not be thrown down headfirst because the LORD holds on to his hand."
- Psalm 37:24 (GOD's Word Translation) (On righteous men)

There are so many reasons why I love this verse. So many individual parts that when put together make something that's so great.

"When he falls..."

Notice how the verse doesn't say "IF he falls". We will all fall, and that's a fact. There will be times of absolute un-fun-ness.

"...he will not be thrown down headfirst..."

Falling headfirst is one of the most terrifying things. When you fall headfirst, you have nothing to stop you from injuring yourself. I know because I've flipped off of a swing by accident, and though I prevented my face from getting smashed, I dislocated my arm.

Falling feet first, on the other hand, is something completely different. A lesson I distinctly remember from being very young was learning how to absorb the impact of a jump from big fall using my knees. I have fond memories of dropping a good 14 feet from my fort in the back yard. I took all of the shock in my knees, just stood up and walked away. Eventually, however, we had to stop because it started to take a toll on us.

"...because the LORD holds on to his hand."

The LORD of the universe holds on to my hand?

Back to my fort in the back yard. We could have still gone out there and jumped if there had been a rope there. If we had support outside of ourselves we could have jumped. On our own, doing that was going to be impossible after awhile, because I was doing everything without God's help. I can imagine Him there, holding out his hand, just waiting for me to take it on the way down. Each time I did not.

So, this means a lot... why?

I say that out of this verse I have learned three important things:

1 - I will fall

2 - I can absorb that shock with my knees, because I'm not falling headfirst

3 - God is holding my hand throughout this.

No matter what happens, I can hold on to this, and I can hold on to his hand. How mighty and powerful our LORD is! Praise his name!

Some things that I've learned

I've learned some stuff. A lot of stuff actually, quite recently. Ever since I broke up with my girlfriend, my joy has been...wonky, to say the least. I have grown though, and I have here 25 things that I think everyone should remember. Every single thing I either learned in the relationship, or after the relationship. I may be broken now, but I'm on the mend. I may be down for now, but I'm not out. God has a plan for my life.

Anyways, here we go!

1. Don't be afraid to hurt people with gracefully told truth.
2. The health of a friendship outweighs the comfort of the now.
3. You can't judge your life based on your timing, you have to do it based on God's.
4. Nobody is perfect. If you hold someone in high regards, it's only a matter of time before you discover that they are just as imperfect as everyone else.
5. Don't expect much of others. The only one that you can expect everything from is Jesus. All others fail.
6. If you see someone doing what they shouldn't, consider it a prayer request.
7. No matter what the world says, every single person has been beautifully and wonderfully made.
8. If you can't see that, you are not looking hard enough.
9. Do not be afraid to feel.
10. Anger is fine if justified.
11. Don't hold on to that anger, forgive, and move on.
12. Be aware of what your emotions tell you in the heat of a moment - and know that they are biased.
13. Listen to what your heart tells you, then go talk to a mentor, a friend, and another mentor about it.
14. Get all of the facts straight before you argue. An emotional argument is not very convincing.
15. Keep water near you and drink it.
16. Ask yourself, "am I really hungry?" before you eat.
17. A little child will cry for awhile, but will eventually walk away from a broken toy. Be that child with life. Pray for God to fix things, but don't be afraid to make the hard choice.
18. The buck stops with you. On everything.
19. Find your limits of success, and push those every chance you get.
20. Write out a list of strengths and praise God for those.
21. Write out a list of weaknesses and pray to God for help.
22. Remember to consider your trials "pure joy" as Paul did.
23. You are a person of great worth.
24. You are someone that God cares about.
25. You are much more than a label, or past hurt, or circumstance. You are a child of the King. Nothing can change that.

Alright, there you have it. Not the most positive thing that I've written, but I am doing better now that I have been recently. I still feel like almost anything could send me spiraling out of control, but I have a better rein on things now. Still not sure about watching Toy Story 2 again though. ;)

My response to the article 23 Signs You're Secretly An Introvert

NOTE: This is not an introduction to MBTI.

I just got around to reading this article yesterday, and while some of it is very true, many of the parts just seemed a little off to me. I'm not technically an expert, but I do think that I know quite a bit about the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. So, I'm going to put my own spin on things, seeing as how I disagree with some of it. You can read along by following the link.

1-5:
Dead on. I love each and every description. It's great. Accurate as far as I can tell.

6:
I think that this honestly could be related more to the difference between J's and P's more so than I's and E's.
J's want control of their environment, P's want to be a part of it. (J's will often have clean desks/rooms, for a P, this might feel foreign.)

7-8:
Also dead on, as far as I've seen.

9:
I do this also, so I don't know why they're saying it's an introvert thing.

10-11:
Both interesting and correct, far as I've seen.

12:
This part says that introverts would rather be an expert at a few things before trying EVERYTHING.
From what I've seen, I'd actually say this is a difference between iNtuitives and Sensors.
iNtuitives tend to look to the future and to possibilities, S's tend to look to the past and to what's grounded in reality.

13:
Interesting. This is probably true of non-theater kids, but I'll let this one by.

14:
Screening calls? Eh, I've done that, but that's because if you look at the function stack, I'm an introverted thinker (Ti), which means that I prefer to process internally, and then bring them out. If someone is an extroverted thinker/feeler (J), they probably wouldn't have as much of a problem with this. Just my thoughts.

15:
While introverts are silently taking in more than extroverts, what the introverts take in will be determined by whether they are an N or an S. If they are an S, yes, that statement is dead on, they will be noticing facts and details. If they are an N, they will be quietly noticing the connection between things.

16-17:
Both interesting. I did not know either. Very cool.

18:
Old soul?
Hmm, I think that this would depend on whether or not they introvert/extrovert their feelings, and whether or not they are an N (noticing connections and so forth.) This whole part seems very subjective.

19:
Interesting, I totally get a high from my surroundings if I'm with a lot of people. Just ask anyone that's spent an extensive amount of time with me.

20:
Sigh. Another N/S difference. It says it in the book.

21-23:
Correctumondo. (Yay, three in a row!)


So, as you can see, I take issue with quite a few things in here. And my conclusion is that trying to look at just one set of letters without the others is a serious mistake.


Nerd rant = = Over

My Eagle Project (5)

Well, a small update. My project is, done, now all that I have to do is write up the report, and my project is in the bag.

It's only like, over 20 pages. *Hides in corner, eating curds and whey.*

Love Languages

So, chances are you've heard of "The 5 Love Languages" from Gary Chapman. This is a book that was written in 1995 for married couples to use in connecting deeper with each other. Two years later, he wrote one for connecting with children. Since then, "The 5 Love Languages" has become more widespread as a theory, and less so of a book. I myself haven't read the book yet, but I'd heard of the love languages a while ago.

First, let me break down the love languages (If you're already familiar with them, feel free to scroll to the little pretty lines.)

Acts of Service:
People with this love language will feel loved the most when people offer their hand in doing work. This could be yard work, chores, or even in the workplace. These people will not feel loved if people forget to finish work they said they'd do, or if special people in their life don't take the time to do something for them.

Physical Touch:
You know that one guy that always goes around giving high fives? Or that girl that always seems to be hugging people? Or a a reversal of the two? They probably have the love language of touch, and they love it. Sometimes, they may only like it from the close people around them, and sometimes they love it from everybody. This love language takes a while to find the individual's preference, but taking the time to find this out can really help make that person feel loved and secure.

Quality Time:
Quality time people love being around others. 1 on 1, a group setting, it doesn't matter. They tend to like it when people notice them and take the time to get to know them on a more personal level. Quality timers like it when others carve out a whole day just to spend time with me, and it feels great to have people pop in unexpectedly just to visit. If others around them forget to spend time with them, or keep looking away/don't pay attention, they may feel quite unloved.

Receiving Gifts:
This is actually my lowest, and hardest for me to understand, so I simply quote Gary Chapman's website:

"Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else’s love and affection for you."

Words of Affirmation:
People with the love language of words of affirmation like to be told how much they are appreciated and loved. Hearing the how much someone cares about you is important, but more so is hearing their reasoning. They love having people send them encouraging notes in times where they are down, and appreciate compliments. Telling someone with words of affirmation that they are beautiful or handsome can make their day. Forgetting speak kind words to these people can be more hurtful than you may realize.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I've known about the love languages for a long while. For the longest time, I've known that my love language is quality time. The second has shifted several times, however, and it depends strongly on who I am thinking about when doing it.

I took the test back in October and I received the following results:

11 Quality Time
10 Words of Affirmation
5 Acts of Service
2 Physical Touch
2 Receiving Gifts

I took it again 6 months later. I took it twice, one thinking about four close friends (Larissa, and three others), and the other just thinking about Larissa. Below is listed the time where I took it thinking of those four close friends:


12 Quality Time
8 Words of Affirmation
5 Acts of Service
4 Physical Touch
1 Receiving Gifts

You might notice that this remains almost the same as before. Touch and Quality time have taken some from Words and Gifts, but for the most part it's the same general idea. But when I took the test only thinking about Larissa, I had some very different results:

9 Physical Touch
9 Quality Time
8 Words of Affirmation
4 Receiving Gifts
0 Acts of Service


So, as you can see, my preferences change on who the administrator is. I found this very interesting and enlightening. Hopefully this provided more of an insight on who I am, and you enjoyed reading about this.

Peace out!

:UPDATE:
[This post is no longer accurate, as far as the exact numbers go... I guess you might as well call me Joshua the ever-changing at this point. =P

Here's a more updated post, with accurate information regarding my languages.]

Thinkings (2)

Every once in a while, I get these times where I wonder: "How much am I really loved? Do the people around me actually love me, or love what I bring to the family, the friendship, etc.?"

Well, I've had that feeling for the past week or so.

But that started to change on Friday. My dad said that he regretted making me go to camporee, and if he could redo it, he would let me stay at home, and go watch Little Women so I could be there for Larissa. Then, I asked Michael if he could take me back early so I could see the Saturday show. His want to help me go see it was amazing to me.

Then on Saturday, we left Camporee early so I could go. So early in fact that I was able to usher, and get in for free. Afterwards, I got to suprise Larissa with my attendence. But others were also really happy to see me, specifically the Peter kids.

Once I got home, I starting thinking about this. Then, I felt God tell me: "My son, you got there early because of me, you didn't have any traffic. Everything that just 'worked out' was done by Me. If you don't know My love for you, look around, and see all the people that I have placed in your life, that love you."

When I realized this, I almost collasped because of how overwhelmed I was. I am very blessed. Larissa, Austin, Grant, Michael, you are the best.

Praise God, the giver of good things!

My Eagle Project (4)

Something that I forgot to mention, is that in order for the project to start, I need to get the Project Proposal Approved. Well, now it is. I now have what I need to officially kick the project into high gear. Stuff is going to start happening, now. Below is my timeline for all of you to see.

You should notice four things immediately.

•I am very organized
•That's not Excel. (It's LibreOffice, because Microsoft charges WAY too much.)
•Fliers refers to planes, and I'm pretty sure that flyers is correct.
•Cell Number 21 is highlighted. I have no good explanation for this.

You may have also noticed that everything is quickly approaching. And you would be right. Well, here it goes!

:EDIT:
I'm not actually doing the video until I get supporters, so some of these dates are now incorrect.
Well, turns out my family is moving on the 11th of May. Looks like the pickup date will be 5/25 instead. That gives me more time to promote, so whoopie!