I'm a prideful person sometimes. Even if I may not exude pride with every step I take, I can sense a confidence slightly above confidence from myself. I'm the cat's meow, the bee's knees, the coolguy Josh that everyone likes.I don't take too many risks, but most of the ones I take are because my pride has swelled up inside of me. Basically, imagine the guy on the right as me.
I can be so prideful. I take pride in my friends, in my work, in my ability to get things done. Usually take take take, not give give give. When was the last time I was seen as a generous person? I don't know, it's probably been awhile.
I'm not saying this to bring myself down necessarily, I say it because these thoughts seem to be always swirling around inside my head.
Last Week
I had an interesting confrontation recently, and I didn't really know what to do with it. There were problems with the higher ups, and I was one of them. Why had no one talked to me? Why was I suddenly the one to blame? Am I to blame?
At one time, I was bold and arrogant. I would take risks. I could get stuff done. But I've hurt myself, I've hurt others, and I make enemies when I take risks.
I don't like that side of me.
Why then do I feel like it's needed? Why do I cling to this piece of myself and act as if it is precious to me? Why do I cling to it?
Maybe, I just need to take in more, and give out less. Maybe I need to listen. Maybe I need to contribute, not personalize. I'm not a great person all the time, and sometimes I wonder why people like me.
But then again, why would people like me if I was as bad as I thought I was?
They wouldn't.
And therein lies my problem.
God, help me release this. I'm tired of carrying this baggage. I give this back to you. I can't hold it anymore.
