Thinkings (3)

I Should Definitely Be Working, but Inspiration Always Strikes When it's Inconvenient
I know that I should be doing about ten other things right now. Actually, about a hundred. Maybe even more.

I let myself get held down by lots of things. I cast so much shame on myself. Sitting there in the dark sometimes, I just let grief swallow me whole. During the day I'm different, at night in the dark when I'm all alone, that's when I just let loneliness and shame slowly creep over me.

Well, I'm done with that.

I choose to be happy. I chose to rejoice because God is good. I choose to rejoice because I am alive, and I have been surrounded by people that love me. I choose to be happy, even if I'm not bubbling.

If I chose to live in my own self pity, I will die in my own self pity.
If I chose to live in happiness, I will die in happiness.

That's not as dark as it sounds
I'm not suicidal. Nope, been there done that (I'm not letting that define me now either, by the way). I'm just thinking, if I were to be hit by a car tomorrow, how would I want to be remembered? What would my legacy be?

I've known people that were full of sadness, and when they died that sadness was amplified. Sadness will always be there in death, but if the person lived a happy life, it's like there's so many more reasons to not be sad.

I want to be the person that people will be able to look to and say that I was honestly and truly happy. I have been doing pretty well with the honesty, so now I just gotta be happy.

I'm not going to promise to be happy always.
I'm not going to burden myself with shame.
I will be free to be me, happy, spinning around in the sun under the sky. I am so ready to let go of the pain that I've held onto and become happy.

You know, if a boat is tied to a dock, it's never going to sail away. It's time to untie that knot attached to my sadness that I've been trapped by but have never moved. It's time to sail away. It's time to become the person that I was meant to be. I want to experience what God has in store for me out on the ocean, not in a harbor. I want to experience the waves on my face and the wind at my back.

I Want to be Sailing

Goodbye shame

Goodbye death

Goodbye insurmountable grief

I'm not yours any longer.

I choose hope

I choose peace

I choose grace

Those are some ideas I can get behind.

ENFP... say what?

Sorry, Homework Assignment first

So, those of you that have read my blog will know that I'm somewhat of a Myers Briggs fanatic. Well, maybe not fanatic, perhaps more like a fan. But I do really like it—quite a lot in fact. I think that there are good times for it to be used, but I also see it misused often.

If you haven't read about Myers Briggs, I recommend doing some research first. You could look it up on Google, or read my past posts about it (Post 1, Post 2). Regardless, you should do that before you read this, otherwise you might end up being slightly confused at all of the terms that I'll be throwing around. ;)

Forward

I feel that a great deal of my struggles have been with my identity and discovering who I am. I used to rely a lot on my girlfriend, my peers and Myers Briggs to find that. Now, I know better.

Now, don't get me wrong, Myers Briggs is great, and certainly has its place. If you are using the percentages for everything, it can be helpful when weighing strengths and weaknesses of those that you are over (aka: subordinates). I think that it is an excellent tool for leadership and can be fine for self improvement, as long as it is never used to find/create identity, as I once fell into the trap of doing.

Now we go

So, now that you know that, here goes.... I'm actually an ENFP. Yeah, yeah, I know. Crazy, right? I mean, I used to be an ESTP, so in reality, that jump isn't super duper far fetched. It is interesting to note that I have changed 7 times, and tested as different types almost every time. I have jumped all over the place, trying to find out which type I really am.

First I thought I was an ENTJ, then I thought ESTJ, then ESTP, then ISFP, then ESTP again, then ESFP, then ESTP, and now ENFP. So, I used 6 combinations of four letters to define me for a while, until I finally discovered that it doesn't matter as much as I once thought it to. As long as you are true to who you are, you're type truly doesn't matter. So, I use the tool, but I don't let it use me, if that makes sense.

Of course it does. :P

So, I'm an ENFP

• Extroverted
• iNtuitive
• Feeling
• Perceiving

"Whoa, whoa, whoa" you say. Intuitive? Feeling? Depth? HA! It is kinda crazy to think about, but just try to stick with me on this.

Yo, it be true

It all started when I was looking back through my old posts on Myers Briggs. As I looked at the N/S section, I just started blinking repeatedly. After that, I went and took the test, scoring as ENFP. This happened early December, and I wasn't really wanting to admit that I shared a type with my ex-girlfriend, so I just kinda ignored it... but sooner or later you have got to accept reality, so I took the test again, and I scored once again as an ENFP. At this point, I was pretty sure that it was true.

I actually thought it through, and I think that my reasoning makes sense. I compared ESTP, ENFP, ESFP and ENTP all side-by-side. ESFP didn't really fit me, and ENTP was also off. I know that I'm not as adventurous as other ESTP's and I know that I think waaaaaay differently than they do. So, I concluded that I must be an ENFP after all.

In order to prove it to myself I went through and looked at those lists that were in my old posts. I'm going to underline those terms that apply more to me, and maybe that'll make it a little more clear.

N/S

iNtuitive Characteristics

• Abstract
• Complicated or Deep
• Future-focused
• Idealistic
• Imaginative
• Inventive
• Sees possibilities
• Theoretical

Sensing Characteristics

• Aware of surroundings
• Concrete
• Factual
• Goes by senses
• Lives in the present
• Notices details
• Practical
• Realistic

Explanation of the Confusing
For those sensing traits that I had previously assigned myself, I've come up with some explanations. I used to consider myself aware of my surroundings, but I only did that to make myself feel better for the lack of stuff that I actually noticed. Sorta like, if you aim for your goal, you might make it sometimes, but if you do nothing you'll never make it.

As for concrete, living in the present, and being realistic/practical goes, I think that's mostly due to what happened to me over these last 6 months. I've grown a lot as a person, and a lot has changed in how I view life and others. I don't view life as clear cut as I did before, so I think that I may have at one time been closer to an ESTJ in the way that I acted, but that's definitely not who I am now.

Finally, the whole noticing details thing only really happens when I have reason to pay attention. If a parent is talking to someone else about something and I'm pretty sure it'll be important, you can bet that I'll probably remember it. Other stuff, like the fact that my room can go for months without being cleaned isn't as easily noticed. (That actually ties into the whole aware of surroundings thing too!)

F/T

Feeling Characteristics

• Caring of others
• Decides with heart
• Dislikes conflict
• Driven by emotion
• Easily hurt
• Empathetic
• Gentle
• Passionate
• Peacekeeper
• Warm

Thinking Characteristics

• Critical
• Decides with head
• Driven by thought
• Firm with people
• Impersonal
• Logical
• Objective
• Rational
• Thick-skinned
• Seeks truth

Explanation of the Slightly More Straightforward

With the N/S differences, I had to really process exactly what was going on. With the Feeling/Thinking side of things, it was a little bit clearer.

Now, don't get me wrong: I rely on my head because I totally need it.

But whenever I have to make a decision, I've given the right of way to my heart. I need to trust my gut instinct and choose what is right based off of that. Trying to sort everything out in the head leaves me running loops, muddling the issue further or getting stuck in a rut.

I still seek truth continuously, but I think that this is because I am always seeking for meaning and understanding in life due to my N type.

And just because I'm an F, doesn't mean I always have to be 100% mushy, or have to decide without thinking things through. I can still process pretty well, it's only when emotions become involved that I have to decide with my heart.

Final Musings
Maybe being an ENFP isn't too bad.

Well, not like I have too much of a choice. It's at least nice to know why I do what I do, and have some good explanations for it. When I make a decision now I'm thinking: OH YEAH, that makes sense!

Words of encouragement? 
My N likes it because it uses words to convey a deeper message.
My F likes it because it's kind, and genuine

Physical touch?
My E likes it because it's physical action, real world stuff. They are putting themselves out there for me.
My F likes it because it's all to be felt, and isn't rational. It comes from within, not without.
My P likes it because it kinda becomes an experience to take in.

You know what, being an ENFP isn't bad.
It isn't bad at all.

Love Languages (2)

Wait......again?

You may be wondering why I am doing another one of these posts, and you'd be completely just in that. I made a post about this back in May of last year, but that was over 6 months ago, and I think that I am entitled to make another one every once in awhile. Besides, I find it to be pretty stinking interesting, and I like learning about myself, so why not? =]

I covered a lot of the five love languages idea in part 1. So, the challenge here is to talk about the same subject in a different way. In part 2, I'm going to talk about my order of love languages and then delve a little bit into how I interact with others and the applicability of the whole thing.

With that, here we go!

1 - Words of Affirmation (Score: 11)

Words of Affirmation is definitely number 1 on my list. The quickest way to build me up is to say something nice about me, and the quickest way to tear me down is to say something unkind. I can be pretty sensitive sometimes, and I find that I can be down on myself because of this. In recent times, I have begun to realize exactly how important words are to me—if someone I admire or care for says something nice about me, this is 95% likely to define my day (and in some cases, my week.)

Words of affirmation I might give:

   • Compliment appearance (mostly guys, I'm tired of my chivalry being misinterpreted =P )

   • Tell someone that they are doing a good job.
   • Check in with someone who seems sad.
   • Offer some word of encouragement
   • Compliment someone's character

Words of affirmation I love to receive:

   • Compliment appearance/voice/humor/anything pretty much (goes a loooong way)
   • Compliment me on a task that I spent a lot of time on
   • Give me an encouraging word
   • Compliment character or decision

Avoid:

   • Harsh words
   • Excessive mocking
   • Unsing non-honoring language (Using non-honoring language makes me feel agitated)

2 - Physical Touch (Score: 9)

Ahhhh, this is a bit of a weird one to explain. This is really, really important to those that are close to me, but if you aren't close to me it feels like an invasion of my space. So, those that just come up and give me hugs all the time, it can get a little old. I just don't even know how to process it. I have a family member that always likes to give me hugs, and sometimes it's really, really nice. On the flip side, I tend to enjoy being free, and the limitation caused by all these hugs can get a bit old. And by a bit, I mean a lot. So, the hard part is finding a balance.

Physical touch I might give:

   • Hugs
   • High fives
   • Pats on the back
   • Handshakes (not very filling, but it's better than nothing)

Physical touch I love to receive:

   • Hugs (from those I admire or care for)
   • High fives
   • Pats on the back
   • Hand holding (obviously not with just anyone... =P)

Avoid:

   • Long hugs (if I don't need it)
   • Letting go of a hug (if I need it)
   • Sudden hugs

3 - Quality Time (Score: 7)

Used to be my first, but now it's my third. I looked back through a letter that I wrote a long time ago about quality time, and I noticed that most of my items that were about "Quality Time" were actually either Physical Touch or Words of Affirmation oriented. Looking back, I know why the quality time that I did receive was not as filling as it should have been. 

Quality time I might give:

   • Doing something meaningful with other people

   • Eating a meal together

   • Car rides with friends

   • Playing games with friends

Quality time I like to receive:

   • Doing something meaningful with people I admire or care for

   • Playing games with friends

4 - Gifts (Score: 2)

Always has been one of my lowest. It's about giving and receiving gifts. For me (and others in my family) it's not as much about the quantity as the quality. For instance, receiving something that was mentioned in passing would be more meaningful than receiving a bunch of random books or something. What's important is that the gift says: "Hey, I was thinking of you, so I got you this gift." What matters most is the heart from which it was given.

Because it's so low, I can't even think of gifts that I would give or receive. I'll write it up how I'd assume people with this love language would feel, (and as always) feel free to offer comments/constructive criticisms below.

Gifts that someone with this love language might like to give:

   • Something meaningful to the receiver

   • A home made thing that had time and effort put into it

Gifts that someone with this love language might like to receive:

   • Something meaningful to the receiver

   • A home made thing that had time and effort put into it

Avoid:

   • Last minute gifts

   • Meaningless gifts

5 - Acts of Service (Score: 1)

My absolute lowest. My mom's absolute highest. Obviously, this doesn't get me into any trouble whatsoever. =P Acts of Service is about making the load lighter, and going out of the way to do so. If a chore is to sweep the stairs, then sweeping the rooms adjacent to those would make anyone with this love language feel loved. As you may be able to tell, I learned a lot of this stuff through my mother, but some of it I have learned through a close friend of mine. He and my mom have demonstrated a lot of this language, and I've tried to pay attention. So, I think I have a better grasp of this than I do with gifts, and I might actually be pretty close to right on a lot of these.

Acts of Service that someone with this love language may like to do:

   • Take on (and complete) a large task

   • Use their skills in a group to do something that they are good at

   • Do a simple task for someone

Acts of Service that someone with this love language may like to receive:

   • Get food or drink for his person

   • Assistance with a task

   • Clear understanding of a job

   • The act of having a need anticipated and completed before this person can worry about it

Avoid:

   • Leaving this person with lots of extra work to do

   • Giving tasks without guidelines

   • Procrastination (on even your own tasks!)

Annnnnnnd, that's it!

For further reading on the love languages, check out this forum post. 

If you want to take the love languages assessment, follow this link.

Hope that you folks enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun writing it, (even if it took me 3+ hours and a nap to finish). I feel that it was worth it, and hopefully you did too. Feel free to leave your love languages in the comments below if you want! It'd be cool to know those. =)

Bye bye!

(This) Last Week

Recap
Well, if you read my post at the beginning of the week, you'd know that I was having a bit of a rough time. For a while, that's how it was. I was just kinda drifting along, and I didn't really give a flying cow pie about what happened to me or with my life. The underlying tone of my last post was a slight:
"WHAT THE HECK, GOD?"

That wasn't all of my thoughts, but those are the most obvious. Underneath that there was a layer like this:
"God, if you love me, why are you letting me go through this?"

Since Monday
After that last post, God immediately started showing up. Either I started doing more fun things, or God totally helped change my perspective. I mean I suppose I did some pretty awesome stuff, but the way that I feel is much better than I have felt in, I dunno, a year? So, it's weird to say the least. Like, to go around and enjoy life, for the beautiful and occasionally slightly messed up place it is. I'm not forcing myself to do fun stuff every once in awhile like I had to sometimes before, I want to go out and do this crazy stuff. I started filming a Vlog today while at my school and I'm goofing around everywhere I go. I'm still a little outta whack emotionally as I'm trying to adjust to who I am now, and how I want to live my life, but hey, aren't we all learning this?

I'm concentrating on worrying less what people think about me and more about what I think about me. More what God thinks about me. This is definitely changing my behavior. I think I'm on the up and up right now. Life isn't some crapfest, it's God's greatest gift to me.

Honestly
I'm not some cool hotshot. I'm not some suffering child, walking on coals everywhere I go. I'm not the all star, and I'm not a selfish jerk. I'm not the greatest person ever but I'm certainly not the worst. Though I might have had some of these traits at some point in my past, I refuse to believe that that's all that I am.

I'm not just some negative trait.
I'm not a mistake I've made.

I'm just me.

And I'm okay with that.

Favorite Things of 2013

Silly Little Intro
So, a friend of mine made a post on his blog about his favorite things of 2013 and I figured that I'd go ahead and make a similar blog post.

2013 was a weird year for me. Lots of stuff happened. I battled depression during the later part of it, but there were many super-fun crazy-awesome times also. So with that, here we go, some of my favorite things of 2013.

Favorite Things of Twenty Thirteen

Entertainment

Favorite Movie That I Really Shouldn't Have Loved As Much As I Did: Pacific Rim
Pacific Rim may appear to be nothing more than a dumb action movie with sub-par acting, but when you examine closer, you learn that it actually is a dumb action movie with sub-par acting, but it is still amazing. The story is okay, a lot of the movie feels forced, but the setting seems very realized, and the action is a lot of fun. It's not a movie for everyone, but it is a movie for your inner child to enjoy. The effects were great, and the sound of each punch was great. Definitely made me feel like I was watching my action figures come alive. A pure joy to watch.

Favorite Surprisingly Decent Movie: Lone Ranger
Lone Ranger got way too much hate from the critics. It wasn't the most amazing movie that I've seen, and in fact wasn't the best film of the summer of 2013, but I still liked it. Why? Well, the story had some fun twists, the bad guys were significantly creepy, the action scenes were undeniably fun, Johnny Depp was great, and so was Armie Hammer. I liked the movie a lot more than I thought I would, and I really had a good time.

Favorite Sequel That I Thought Would Be Terrible: Despicable Me 2
A lot like the first. You've got the minions, the hilarious Gru and the three kids. Each one of these elements are used better than the first, maybe with the exception of Gru. Like the first, there's lots of character development, some funny moments, and random bits of screaming. The villain is hilarious, and the story was good, even if the twist was obvious. Great animated movie, that I liked almost as much as the first.

Favorite Movie Of The Year Period: The Desolation of Smaug
Forget that it's based off of a book. Peter Jackson is just about as faithful to the book as the Narnia movies were to their books, but it just works. For some reason, I was sitting there, buying every twist that Jackson threw in there. Martin Freeman was spectacular as Bilbo, and the subtlety of some of his performance was amazing. I loved every second he was on screen. They also started explaining the Necromancer stuff from the Appendices and the Silmarilion, and that was done much better than the first. One of my favorite thing about the Fellowship of the Ring was the diversity of the cultures shown, and this movie did the same exact thing. I loved the distinctive cultures of Lake-Town, the Lonely Mountain, Mirkwood Elven Halls, everything. Well acted, brilliantly shown and fun, this movie was a whooping good time.

Favorite TV show: Revolution (Season 2)
Yeah, a big surprise! With season 1, episdoes 1-10 were awful, and 11-20 were barely tolerable. I came back about number 14 because my brother made me and I finished up that season. I reluctantly started the second season hoping it to be good, and it certainly is great. All of the acting is up a notch (in some cases several) better than before, the stories make more sense, the action is better and there appears to be a strong overarching plot that's just starting to come into the picture. Everything that was bad about the first season is perfect with the second. This isn't my favorite show of all time, but it is still really good. My advice is to skip season 1 though. You'll only be behind on a bit, and frankly the terrible-ness that is most of season 1 isn't worth it.

Stuff That I Did

My summer especially was filled with adventure. But there were about 4 things (other than my relationship with my girlfriend (not going to go into that here, read my old posts... :P )) that were super duper awesome. Here are some of the important events of 2013, and a bit about 'em, not in order of occurrence, but instead in order of I have no idea, don't ask me why.

Improvapalooza Improv. Competition

Left to Right
Me, Grant, Miguel, Larissa, Austin

A competition of improvy-awesomeness. Back in December of 2012, us five auditioned for an improv team. In June of 2013 we went over to Chicago and competed with 13 other teams and took third place. It was a grand old time, and lots of fun for everyone. This next year, I'm on a team again, and we're heading all the way to Portland (woohoo, 30 minute drive!), and though there isn't going to be super crazy site seeing, it'll still be a good time. I'm excited to go and compete once more with Grant and Austin, though we'll miss Miguel's constant shenaniganry and Larissa's silliness this year.

Beauty and the Beast Crew Chief(ing)
In JTAG's winter session, Portland put on Beauty and the Beast. Larissa convinced me to do Crew Chief, so I figured that it wouldn't be that hard and gave it a go. I was not anticipating almost having a nervous breakdown the night before opening, or developing the deep relationships that I did with the crew. I've only been involved in three shows, but this one was my favorite by far. It was a great time for me to deepen my relationships with my friends involved, and it was such a fun time of my life.

Steam Powered Giraffe Concert

Okay. I like SPG, this is true. I enjoy their music, and I like their writing style. So, I went with some friends to go see them in April, and I had a blast. It was a ton of fun, and we even hung out at Larissa's sister's house on the way back. They sounded fantastic live, even though most of the band was super sick at the time of the show. All of the show was great, and I would definitely go see them again.



BSA Camp Fire Mountain
If you asked my why I was involved in Scouts and I didn't answer: Friends, Camping, Friends, and fun then I was either lying or delusional. I barely earned my Eagle, and mostly because I felt like it was something that I owed to myself, not something that I necessarily wanted to do. But Fire Mountain was a real treat. The staff weren't putting on a show like Baldwin, and the area was beautiful. The Troop fit really well together, I got to do improv, and I got a job offer because of how I acted. It was a huge growing time for me, where I let a lot of things go that didn't matter, and I deepened my relationship with Christ. It was really hard at times, but I came out of it so strong and free, and loving life. High point of the year? Summer Camp Fire Mountain.

2014
Well, there we go. Only took me lots of hours to write, but I think it was worth it. There's the high points of my year, all put together in a post. This last year had a lot of stuff in it that was pretty depressing. I will not lie and say that I loved everything about 2013, but it is nice to look back at all of the good times that I did have. It was a time of growth, and I'm excited for 2014 to be different. I went through probably the hardest thing for me, so I'm pretty sure that next year won't be worse. Even if it is, bring it on. God is my strength now, and I'm not going to be pushed around with him helping me.

To infinity and beyond! =D