Thinkings (3)

I Should Definitely Be Working, but Inspiration Always Strikes When it's Inconvenient
I know that I should be doing about ten other things right now. Actually, about a hundred. Maybe even more.

I let myself get held down by lots of things. I cast so much shame on myself. Sitting there in the dark sometimes, I just let grief swallow me whole. During the day I'm different, at night in the dark when I'm all alone, that's when I just let loneliness and shame slowly creep over me.

Well, I'm done with that.

I choose to be happy. I chose to rejoice because God is good. I choose to rejoice because I am alive, and I have been surrounded by people that love me. I choose to be happy, even if I'm not bubbling.

If I chose to live in my own self pity, I will die in my own self pity.
If I chose to live in happiness, I will die in happiness.

That's not as dark as it sounds
I'm not suicidal. Nope, been there done that (I'm not letting that define me now either, by the way). I'm just thinking, if I were to be hit by a car tomorrow, how would I want to be remembered? What would my legacy be?

I've known people that were full of sadness, and when they died that sadness was amplified. Sadness will always be there in death, but if the person lived a happy life, it's like there's so many more reasons to not be sad.

I want to be the person that people will be able to look to and say that I was honestly and truly happy. I have been doing pretty well with the honesty, so now I just gotta be happy.

I'm not going to promise to be happy always.
I'm not going to burden myself with shame.
I will be free to be me, happy, spinning around in the sun under the sky. I am so ready to let go of the pain that I've held onto and become happy.

You know, if a boat is tied to a dock, it's never going to sail away. It's time to untie that knot attached to my sadness that I've been trapped by but have never moved. It's time to sail away. It's time to become the person that I was meant to be. I want to experience what God has in store for me out on the ocean, not in a harbor. I want to experience the waves on my face and the wind at my back.

I Want to be Sailing

Goodbye shame

Goodbye death

Goodbye insurmountable grief

I'm not yours any longer.

I choose hope

I choose peace

I choose grace

Those are some ideas I can get behind.