Dehumanization of the Loved

A Quick Intro
This will involve a bit of a dive into my brain, just so you know. I was originally going to write about wisdom (maybe a future blog post) but I couldn't stop thinking about a certain quote. Recently I have gotten to the point of being myself again. I'm not depressed anymore, I mess around with people, and I generally just do stuff because its fun, not because I think I should.

Well, I read this quote yesterday, and I thought a lot of thoughts when I did.

“But remember, there are two ways to dehumanize someone: by dismissing them, and by idolizing them.” - David Wong

 I read that, and instantly I said, yeah, I agree with that. Then, I started to put the pieces together.

"by idolizing them"
Whoa. Boy.
Everyone has had that moment of being caught doing something they weren't supposed to do. Whether that was cheating, lying to someone's face and having them find out, or eating that cookie that you weren't supposed to, you've experienced this in some shape or form.

Well, this happens to me quite often. Especially with some of my close friends who can tell right away when something is up and call me on it.

I went on for months while I was in my relationship doing a lot of things wrong. I tried to never rock the boat, just took everything easy and made sure to follow the relationship outline of churchiness. People might look at that and think that I had a good plan in store, and I was being careful for both of our benefits.

Well, if I was honest with myself then I would have said something different.

She got the lead roles, was popular, funny, quirky and pretty, and yet she noticed me. Imagine being a fan at a concert and asking the lead singer if you can be up on stage with them. Now, picture them reaching down, grabbing your hand, and pulling you onstage. Imagine after that you joining that band and playing with them. That's essentially how I felt.

I was astonished that she would step off of her pedestal and talk to me, be my friend and be my girlfriend.

Here's the problem:
The pedestal was only in my mind.

She is a pretty normal person. I wouldn't say like everyone else, but she's not a goddess or an angel or something. I put her in that high place. I made her into what she was in my mind. You know what, I even showed how great of a boyfriend I could be (about 2 months before starting this relationship) when I quit video games! That's pretty noble, right?

Pfffttttt.

That was my excuse then, but I know better now. I was only getting rid of one god and putting another in its place. I was idolizing my girlfriend, plain and simple.

I put pictures of her on my phone as my background. Adorable, right?
Not really. That was just another way that I could worship her. Because of this idolization I lived in constant fear of of losing her.

Almost everything that I did then was for one of three reasons:
a. Because I worshiped her
b. Because I feared losing her, (because I worshiped her)
c. Because I genuinely had good intentions.

Unfortunately, it was most often for reason a or b. Looking back, it's hard to even believe that I had done what I did. I completely worshiped her. I treated the ground that she walked on as heavenly. I idolized her.

"by dismissing them"
There are some days where I feel that all of Tumblr has united itself against me—I go on Tumblr and everything relates to my life. Sometimes this is by some really deep quote. Other times, it's a picture of Bilbo.

Well last night, it was obviously the really deep quote, because I was drowned in thought (Oh gosh, I did a pun).

If you don't know my brain (thankfully most of you do not) then you should know that I have been doing some stuff lately that's not very helpful to a very damaged friendship. I have been completely ignoring one of my (previously) closest friends.
When she spoke, I took it to mean the worst that it could.
If she did something kind, I pondered at what's really going on.
If something super normal happens, I looked at it suspiciously.

These are all rather clever ways of dismissing her completely. I can be a nice guy sometimes, but sometimes I have the meanest of intentions.

This, on the other hand, is one of those times where I end up doing something mean because I failed to think through what I was doing before I did it. This attitude of "Act first, think later" is one of the things that I wish that I could change about myself—often in fact.

Anyway, back on point. I completely dismissed her. I dismissed her good intentions, and I dismissed her from my view of life completely. Gone, gone, gone.

This same person went from being my idol to being the dirt that I walked on, almost overnight. After the break up, I went through months of withdrawal. It's like the layers that I had plastered on myself were getting peeled off slowly, each one showing the mold and scars of the one below. And each layer hurt more than the last, and each layer had new gunk to pry off, and new surfaces to clean.

dehumanize someone

"deprive of positive human qualities."

Dehumanizing someone is the equivalent of stripping someone of their humanity. We are all human, and we are all to be loving towards one another. I not only went on one side of the extreme, but I immediately jumped to the opposite side.

But this person was completely un-human to me. Its only been recently that I have realized exactly how blessed I was to have her with me for that time.

I often wonder about turning back time. And I've asked myself:
"If I could go back in time, would I choose to skip that relationship?"
Well now I know my answer.

Not a chance.

And I'm sad that it has taken me this long to come to realize that. I'm sad that I can only now view her as the person that she is. I'm so grieved by this, because I have missed out on the opportunity to an amazing friendship.

God loves me, and he'll give me someone to cherish. And I will not make the same mistake again. I am still sad that I have done this, but there is no time machine to fix this.

Everyone has problems, and people are not it.

Love those that you are blessed with, but do not make them into something that they are not.
-Joshua

Recovery

Recovery Isn't Instant
No duh.
I still have nightmares from my breakup months ago. I still have this struggle and sadness within me. But it's not about the breakup, in fact, at all. It goes a lot deeper than that. I would say that I'm over my breakup, but I think that the idea of "getting over it" is over-rated, because every negative thing should be a learning experience—I don't want to view circumventing God as "getting over it", (but that's a different post for a different day.) I have battled the demons of "I screwed up the relationship" and "it's just a break" and "my ex is a total jerk" but there is something else inside that is stronger than those.

All of my life, I've been afraid of people leaving me. I've been afraid of family dying (especially parents), friends suddenly dying, and of my parent's divorcing.

So, a lot of my life has been lived in fear. Even if it is less so now, I still live some of my life in fear.



Back to my point
When I was in a romantic relationship I lived with this fear that she would leave me. I wasn't ever really sure why, and I wasn't sure why her leaving did what it did to me. But just the other day on the way home from I blurted out something that made me realize why this struggle is so intense, vibrant and real for me.

I am the type of person that goes for attention, but not in a way that pushes people away. People don't like to listen to complaining, so I don't complain. I act crazy and silly, and I talk a lot.

But people mistake the quantity of my words for the quality of who I am.

Few people take the time to really get to know me. I think that I suck the energy out of a lot of people (Sorry introverts! :P ) but some people overcome that and get to know, well, you know, me.

Austin, Benjamin, Caleb, Ellen, Faith, Gabriel, Grant, Jeremy, Joe, Kendrick, Marla, Michael, Mrs. Peters, Tessa, and my ex girlfriend all took the time to get to know me on a more personal level.

I may have missed a few, but those are the main ones, especially of late.

But only Jeremy, Tessa and my ex girlfriend had/took the time to know me inside and out, to know what makes me tick and how I think. It's amazing, having someone that knows what you're thinking without needing to say anything. Just explain through a hug. Just explain by asking for a chance to talk. Just explain by a facial expression.

It was wonderful to be that completely known by them.

So what I'm saying is...
I'm having a hard time typing this because I'm shaking all over. I'm having a hard time forming these words, because the pain that lives inside of me—that which I have ignored—is ugly. It's a monster. A snake head.

It wasn't hard for me to acknowledged that there are other fish in the sea. It isn't hard for me to let go of the reasons behind the breakup. It isn't (too) hard for me to forgive now.

But the reason why the sadness has existed and festered is because I fed it lies and kept its' strength up.

I told it that my girlfriend broke up with me because she saw who I was.
I told it that the reason why she broke up was that I wasn't good enough.
I told it that people don't get to know me as deeply as others because I lack depth.

Each of those were twisted truths, not blatant lies.
My girlfriend was my girlfriend because of who I was, and she broke up because of who I wasn't.
She broke up with me because we both were on the wrong track, I did the best that I knew how to.
People can be mean, but I am surrounded by good people. That list of people that took the time to know me has grown since initially writing the list. People love me.

And most importantly, God loves me.

God will never leave me.
Regardless of what I've done.
Regardless of who I am.
Regardless of the lies that I tell myself.
Regardless of my ex.
Regardless of how I feel about God.

I am loved despite what I've done.
I am loved because of who I am.
God has given me his truth, and that will set me free.
I don't have all of the answers, and I cannot understand everything.
God has made the choice to love me, unconditionally, uncontrollably and without limits.

In Conclusion
I am not yet recovered. I don't think it will come anytime soon, because my nights are still filled with grief, and my days are grey-scaled and have lost their vibrancy. Even though I am still sad, I've made a lot of progress. And when I look at where I've come from and who I am today, I feel so much better.

God has great amazing plans for me. He's told me that I will be a pillar, and I am ready to stand tall.

My Life Sometimes

I don't know what I'm doing, so here's some bleh, God. Please change that bleh or change my opinion.

-Josh

Pride and Arrogance

Arrogance, and pride are huge issues today! You see them, running throughout politics, throughout the media, throughout everywhere around you. It's such a sad world that we live in, with all of these arrogant and prideful people mucking about! If only someone with some sense would just step up to the plate!

Alright, as you can tell, I've got quite a bit of feeling involved in this. I am going to be looking at this partially sarcastically, but partially to let everyone know that this is a serious issue in the church.

Arrogant (ar·ro·gant)

   -having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities.

Pride /prīd/

   -a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.

I promise you, I'm preaching to myself also. With that in mind, let's dive in!

More Myers Briggs Stuff!

Part 2
Waaaay back in January I made a post about MBTI called: Myers Briggs Type Indicator in which I gave some details on the MBTI. Well, here I want to take an opportunity to dive a little bit more into the type indicator, and how you can determine your type fairly easily. This is also useful in determining what type a friend or relative may have. This will not always be right, because people act like who they aren't on occasion, and some people aren't comfortable being who they are. So keep that in mind.

Also, this will be for some different post, but Myers Briggs categorizes people too easily. As always, I would recommend going off of percentages rather than giving someone a four letter type. And know that you can always end up changing types, or finding out that some of your life is a bit of a facade, as I learned back when I switched from J to P.

Anyway, feel free to look at this list of both types to get a rough idea of what type you are and what percent you are of that type. Don't worry about what side of the list it's on, just write down a little mark somewhere to alert you of your choice. Maybe copy and paste this in a word processing program and put a little asterisk next to your choice. Don't worry about contradicting yourself sometimes (for instance, I like parties, but smaller groups.) For laughs and giggles, I've marked an asterisk next to my choices on this list. Whatever your choice is, remember to have fun! This isn't serious, it's just a way to better get an idea about why you do what you do. :)

{UPDATE: I retook this test on 1/13/14 and those answers are astericks surrounded by }

Enough talking, on to...
The Glorious List of "Gloriousness"

Things

Things of this world, are passing away...

That's the resounding anthem of the slightly cheesy 90's hip hop song "Things of This World" by dcTalk. The song's point is about how much we value the stupid (and important) things in life so much more than we should. It's way too easy to do. I mean, look at the following questions. How many of them fit in with your recent thoughts or feelings?

I love my friends.

I love my dog.

I love that movie that I watched the other day.

I love being crew chief.

I love the leadership position that I hold in my theater group.

How to Know if You Are Not Ready for A Relationship

Forward

I originally had written this in July, on the 7^th. This was roughly 3 weeks before my girlfriend and I took a break (and then I did some stuff that I really regret.) Crazy timing, and it makes this almost pretty weird to publish now. But at least I knew that I was thinking then, and I wasn't being blind. I don't want people to look at this as a "screw you" to my ex girlfriend, because that was not my intention when it was originally written, and neither is it my intention now. This will be a jump back to my brain of July 7^th, when I was happy as happy could be. Though I cannot speak for who I was in this post, I can say what and how I thought. And I think that this post reflects that. With that, let's go! 

 All my edited marks are put inside of these curly brackets ( { or } )

"How to Know if You Are Not Ready for A Relationship"

Passage, The Game

I'm a bit of a gamer
Not just that, I'm pretty knowledgeable about a LOT of games—even games that I have no interest in playing. And because of this, I was slightly surprised when I heard about Passage. With good games, the word usually gets out quite quickly, and so there aren't many that I need to do research on. There are a few notable exceptions of games that were not popular and I did have to do some research on, but for the most part, this is a category where I truly know my stuff.

But passage is something different
I'm rarely this emotionally affected by a game. I mean, I'm writing a blog post because of it, so that means that it must mean a lot to me, no? Just like most every game, you move around, accomplish your goal and finish. Unlike most every game, there are no enemies, there is no clear goal and the finish is something entirely unexpected.

It's 2D side scrolling game with only 4 inputs—Up, Down, Left and Right. And those do exactly what you'd think they'd do.

Riling Up The Joshster

It all started at 1:10 AM

Early this morning, a friend asked me an interesting question:

"What makes you angry?"

Well, I thought, "lots of things, let me make a list." So, I quickly listed four things that really irritate me. And I looked at that list and I was like, "yes, those all irritate me." Little did I realize that I had completely dodged the question.

Because anger goes much deeper than irritation, doesn't it? Some may ask of you:

"Why are you angry?"

The better question would be:

"What does this anger prompt you to do?"

Even Jesus Was Angry

In each gospel, Jesus enters the temple and he sees his father's house being completely disgraced. Jesus get's super ticked and does something that's pretty different from what we had seen Jesus do up until that point: he makes a huge point, by flipping tables and yelling at the leaders there.¹

Yeah, yeah, you've heard this story before, but have you really thought about it?

I'm in a production of Fiddler on the Roof right now, and there is a segment in which the Russians come in and disrupt a wedding ceremony and among other things, flip tables. It's a very emotional part of the story, and hearing that wood crash to the ground as they are flipped is humbling in a weird sort of way.

Now, imagine your picture of Jesus going about doing that. He's not having the sweetest of tones, he's mad. He walks up to a priest and says, "What are you doing?! You are a bunch of thieves in my father's home. How dare you?" He walks over and throws the table upside down. He uses his foot to kick another one. He's not just getting attention, he is making a point. And he righteously uses that anger to make that point.

My Response Was Nothing but a Quick Dodge

I'm just going to quote exactly my conversation:

"1 - When people don't hold a respect for the rules.

2 - People who hold others down, limiting their true potential in order to make a system easier to control.

3 - People who don't hold true to their word. (This bugs me more than it should, people change all the time)

4 - Seeing people who cannot defend themselves being hurt."

While all of these things may irritate me (quite a bit actually) I realize that I cannot blame troubles on those around me. I can place blame so easily. "It's all Larissa's fault", "it's all my parent's fault", "it's all God's fault."

Or just as bad...

"It's all my fault."

Each and every one of these is very, very destructive. Nothing has been solved thinking this way. I've only locked the feeling deep down inside of me and let it fester. And when something festers, when it comes out, it's not just a pure sadness, it's been mixed with anger, disappointment, and fear.

What Anger Has Caused Me to Do

Anger is nothing without a rein on it. Anger is self destructive until you turn that into your own tool with which you will do battle for the greater good. I'd say this, but I think that Aristotle says it more beautifully than I could:

"Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy."²

 I thought about each of these a lot more since then. I have specified where it wasn't before, and here is the updated list of things that make me angry.

1 - I am saddened when people do not respect authority and break rules

Thinking about this, I have decided that I have so much fun, but I need to work again on setting a good example at the appropriate times. I compromise far too often, and I do not want to continue down this road. Going forward, I will try my hardest to be an obedient follower.

2 - When people hold others down (limiting their true potential) in order to make a system easier to control, it gets under my skin.

Well, for one thing, I could stop doing it. Back when I first joined HYPE I started plugging people in where they would best be suited (I'll have to write a future post about that also) but eventually I started looking at people as their type and not them as a person. Once you get to that level, Myers Briggs is out the window, it's time to focus on the people, because they are so much more than percentages of 4 letters.

3 - People who don't hold true to their word frustrate me. (This bugs me more than it should...)

No, that doesn't bug me more than it should. That is such a good thing to be angered by. And you know what I can do? I can do two very great things:

•I can follow through. If I've said that I'll do something, I just need to push through and finish.

•I can watch my tongue very closely, so as to not make a promise I cannot keep.

Both of these things are so hard for me to do. So, so, so hard. But I can do it—but I do not plan on doing it by my strength alone.

4 - Seeing injustice done makes me very angry.

I can take a stand against injustice. If I see crap going down, I will come down hard on those who are dishing it out. I have been given the gift of influence, and I will use this for good. I hate seeing people hurt, and I hate it when bullies get away. If I have to fight against figurative bullies, if they walk away, it will be with a few figurative brusies. I refuse to stand by and watch my fellow man be hurt. I can't stop all injustice, but if I can put my foot down and protect some, I will.

In Conclusion
Yeah, I wish that things were different in a few different areas of my life, but I'm not going to let that hold me down. God has held my hand through this discovery, and I'm going to keep holding him close.