Dehumanization of the Loved

A Quick Intro
This will involve a bit of a dive into my brain, just so you know. I was originally going to write about wisdom (maybe a future blog post) but I couldn't stop thinking about a certain quote. Recently I have gotten to the point of being myself again. I'm not depressed anymore, I mess around with people, and I generally just do stuff because its fun, not because I think I should.

Well, I read this quote yesterday, and I thought a lot of thoughts when I did.

“But remember, there are two ways to dehumanize someone: by dismissing them, and by idolizing them.” - David Wong

 I read that, and instantly I said, yeah, I agree with that. Then, I started to put the pieces together.

"by idolizing them"
Whoa. Boy.
Everyone has had that moment of being caught doing something they weren't supposed to do. Whether that was cheating, lying to someone's face and having them find out, or eating that cookie that you weren't supposed to, you've experienced this in some shape or form.

Well, this happens to me quite often. Especially with some of my close friends who can tell right away when something is up and call me on it.

I went on for months while I was in my relationship doing a lot of things wrong. I tried to never rock the boat, just took everything easy and made sure to follow the relationship outline of churchiness. People might look at that and think that I had a good plan in store, and I was being careful for both of our benefits.

Well, if I was honest with myself then I would have said something different.

She got the lead roles, was popular, funny, quirky and pretty, and yet she noticed me. Imagine being a fan at a concert and asking the lead singer if you can be up on stage with them. Now, picture them reaching down, grabbing your hand, and pulling you onstage. Imagine after that you joining that band and playing with them. That's essentially how I felt.

I was astonished that she would step off of her pedestal and talk to me, be my friend and be my girlfriend.

Here's the problem:
The pedestal was only in my mind.

She is a pretty normal person. I wouldn't say like everyone else, but she's not a goddess or an angel or something. I put her in that high place. I made her into what she was in my mind. You know what, I even showed how great of a boyfriend I could be (about 2 months before starting this relationship) when I quit video games! That's pretty noble, right?

Pfffttttt.

That was my excuse then, but I know better now. I was only getting rid of one god and putting another in its place. I was idolizing my girlfriend, plain and simple.

I put pictures of her on my phone as my background. Adorable, right?
Not really. That was just another way that I could worship her. Because of this idolization I lived in constant fear of of losing her.

Almost everything that I did then was for one of three reasons:
a. Because I worshiped her
b. Because I feared losing her, (because I worshiped her)
c. Because I genuinely had good intentions.

Unfortunately, it was most often for reason a or b. Looking back, it's hard to even believe that I had done what I did. I completely worshiped her. I treated the ground that she walked on as heavenly. I idolized her.

"by dismissing them"
There are some days where I feel that all of Tumblr has united itself against me—I go on Tumblr and everything relates to my life. Sometimes this is by some really deep quote. Other times, it's a picture of Bilbo.

Well last night, it was obviously the really deep quote, because I was drowned in thought (Oh gosh, I did a pun).

If you don't know my brain (thankfully most of you do not) then you should know that I have been doing some stuff lately that's not very helpful to a very damaged friendship. I have been completely ignoring one of my (previously) closest friends.
When she spoke, I took it to mean the worst that it could.
If she did something kind, I pondered at what's really going on.
If something super normal happens, I looked at it suspiciously.

These are all rather clever ways of dismissing her completely. I can be a nice guy sometimes, but sometimes I have the meanest of intentions.

This, on the other hand, is one of those times where I end up doing something mean because I failed to think through what I was doing before I did it. This attitude of "Act first, think later" is one of the things that I wish that I could change about myself—often in fact.

Anyway, back on point. I completely dismissed her. I dismissed her good intentions, and I dismissed her from my view of life completely. Gone, gone, gone.

This same person went from being my idol to being the dirt that I walked on, almost overnight. After the break up, I went through months of withdrawal. It's like the layers that I had plastered on myself were getting peeled off slowly, each one showing the mold and scars of the one below. And each layer hurt more than the last, and each layer had new gunk to pry off, and new surfaces to clean.

dehumanize someone

"deprive of positive human qualities."

Dehumanizing someone is the equivalent of stripping someone of their humanity. We are all human, and we are all to be loving towards one another. I not only went on one side of the extreme, but I immediately jumped to the opposite side.

But this person was completely un-human to me. Its only been recently that I have realized exactly how blessed I was to have her with me for that time.

I often wonder about turning back time. And I've asked myself:
"If I could go back in time, would I choose to skip that relationship?"
Well now I know my answer.

Not a chance.

And I'm sad that it has taken me this long to come to realize that. I'm sad that I can only now view her as the person that she is. I'm so grieved by this, because I have missed out on the opportunity to an amazing friendship.

God loves me, and he'll give me someone to cherish. And I will not make the same mistake again. I am still sad that I have done this, but there is no time machine to fix this.

Everyone has problems, and people are not it.

Love those that you are blessed with, but do not make them into something that they are not.
-Joshua