Recovery

Recovery Isn't Instant
No duh.
I still have nightmares from my breakup months ago. I still have this struggle and sadness within me. But it's not about the breakup, in fact, at all. It goes a lot deeper than that. I would say that I'm over my breakup, but I think that the idea of "getting over it" is over-rated, because every negative thing should be a learning experience—I don't want to view circumventing God as "getting over it", (but that's a different post for a different day.) I have battled the demons of "I screwed up the relationship" and "it's just a break" and "my ex is a total jerk" but there is something else inside that is stronger than those.

All of my life, I've been afraid of people leaving me. I've been afraid of family dying (especially parents), friends suddenly dying, and of my parent's divorcing.

So, a lot of my life has been lived in fear. Even if it is less so now, I still live some of my life in fear.



Back to my point
When I was in a romantic relationship I lived with this fear that she would leave me. I wasn't ever really sure why, and I wasn't sure why her leaving did what it did to me. But just the other day on the way home from I blurted out something that made me realize why this struggle is so intense, vibrant and real for me.

I am the type of person that goes for attention, but not in a way that pushes people away. People don't like to listen to complaining, so I don't complain. I act crazy and silly, and I talk a lot.

But people mistake the quantity of my words for the quality of who I am.

Few people take the time to really get to know me. I think that I suck the energy out of a lot of people (Sorry introverts! :P ) but some people overcome that and get to know, well, you know, me.

Austin, Benjamin, Caleb, Ellen, Faith, Gabriel, Grant, Jeremy, Joe, Kendrick, Marla, Michael, Mrs. Peters, Tessa, and my ex girlfriend all took the time to get to know me on a more personal level.

I may have missed a few, but those are the main ones, especially of late.

But only Jeremy, Tessa and my ex girlfriend had/took the time to know me inside and out, to know what makes me tick and how I think. It's amazing, having someone that knows what you're thinking without needing to say anything. Just explain through a hug. Just explain by asking for a chance to talk. Just explain by a facial expression.

It was wonderful to be that completely known by them.

So what I'm saying is...
I'm having a hard time typing this because I'm shaking all over. I'm having a hard time forming these words, because the pain that lives inside of me—that which I have ignored—is ugly. It's a monster. A snake head.

It wasn't hard for me to acknowledged that there are other fish in the sea. It isn't hard for me to let go of the reasons behind the breakup. It isn't (too) hard for me to forgive now.

But the reason why the sadness has existed and festered is because I fed it lies and kept its' strength up.

I told it that my girlfriend broke up with me because she saw who I was.
I told it that the reason why she broke up was that I wasn't good enough.
I told it that people don't get to know me as deeply as others because I lack depth.

Each of those were twisted truths, not blatant lies.
My girlfriend was my girlfriend because of who I was, and she broke up because of who I wasn't.
She broke up with me because we both were on the wrong track, I did the best that I knew how to.
People can be mean, but I am surrounded by good people. That list of people that took the time to know me has grown since initially writing the list. People love me.

And most importantly, God loves me.

God will never leave me.
Regardless of what I've done.
Regardless of who I am.
Regardless of the lies that I tell myself.
Regardless of my ex.
Regardless of how I feel about God.

I am loved despite what I've done.
I am loved because of who I am.
God has given me his truth, and that will set me free.
I don't have all of the answers, and I cannot understand everything.
God has made the choice to love me, unconditionally, uncontrollably and without limits.

In Conclusion
I am not yet recovered. I don't think it will come anytime soon, because my nights are still filled with grief, and my days are grey-scaled and have lost their vibrancy. Even though I am still sad, I've made a lot of progress. And when I look at where I've come from and who I am today, I feel so much better.

God has great amazing plans for me. He's told me that I will be a pillar, and I am ready to stand tall.