How to Know if You Are Not Ready for A Relationship

Forward

I originally had written this in July, on the 7^th. This was roughly 3 weeks before my girlfriend and I took a break (and then I did some stuff that I really regret.) Crazy timing, and it makes this almost pretty weird to publish now. But at least I knew that I was thinking then, and I wasn't being blind. I don't want people to look at this as a "screw you" to my ex girlfriend, because that was not my intention when it was originally written, and neither is it my intention now. This will be a jump back to my brain of July 7^th, when I was happy as happy could be. Though I cannot speak for who I was in this post, I can say what and how I thought. And I think that this post reflects that. With that, let's go! 

 All my edited marks are put inside of these curly brackets ( { or } )

"How to Know if You Are Not Ready for A Relationship"

DISCLAIMER:
I know, I know, that seems like a weird way to phrase that question. I phrased it like that on purpose. I phrased it that way because I cannot give you the answer on when you are ready for a romantic relationship. However, using my experience and based off of what I've seen, I can give you an idea of when you're not ready. So with that said, on we go!

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Number 1: Exactly how much does this person mean?
So, first off, ask yourself what your favorite hobby is. Sports, Acting, Music, Video Games, Night Time Vigilante, you name it! Now that that's done, ask yourself this question: If it came down to it, would you give that hobby up, for that person? Take your time, and answer honestly. If it's a yes, that's awesome! Something that I did was I challenged myself by dropping video games almost completely. I'm not saying that you have to do that, but you should be flexible enough to where you can show that person how much they mean to you. {It's also important that this is mutual. Relationships (and friendships!) should never be one way streets forever. There is a difference between helping a person in a dark place and pouring into a black hole.}

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Number 2: Am I making the choice best for this person?
Something that I did recently was take a step back from the my relationship and look at everything logically. This lead to the realization that throughout our courtship, our friendship and other friendships I've mostly made decisions with my best interest in mind. Despite that much of the world operates this way, we should not. This is something I wish I had realized sooner, as this would have been very helpful. However, I believe that its better to learn too late than to not learn at all. {One might infer from this that I had reached the end of my change, and that is hardly the case. I was a huge jerk, and it's only been recently that I've actually cared about how much(or little) I cared for people. Now I make a point to care for people, but I was not good at it then. Which brings me to my next edited point...}

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Number 2.5: Am I changing for this person?
This question needs to be asked and RE-asked all the time. There is a difference between building people up/encouraging them to become more than themselves and stretching/morphing others into your idea of a "perfect boyfriend" or "perfect girlfriend".

And yes, I did put it from the girl's perspective first because women are undoubtedly the most guilty of this. Honestly, most guys just want curves and a fun personality (too low of a standards) and most girls seem to want a knight in shining armor, with sword, dragon slaying license, the castle and getaway cottage to boot (too high of standards.) There needs to be some encouragement of growth, but if you have to sacrifice who you are in order to please the other person: CAUTION, S*** ABOUT TO HIT FAN! Be careful.}

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Number 3: Am I emotionally at a level where I can bring more to the relationship than "balance"?
This is only a question I've asked myself recently, and I was sad to find that the answer was "No." Recently however, I have had some space and I've been working on that. You can't just love when you're lonely, love when you're ready. I started out this relationship with wrong intentions, to love and to be loved. All of my efforts in courtship were centered around this, and it took a lot of work to turn that around. But now that I have, life is just a little bit more fulfilling.
{And I'd expand upon this now. I'd add that in addition to this, I would say that people should not look for love, because it will just happen when it happens. If you have the goal of bringing balance, WARNING, that's not how relationships should work. Both people must be complete people before they can become one. It's more like multiplication than addition.}

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Number 4: Do I have long term intentions in mind, or short term pleasure?
I have asked myself this from the beginning, and it's something that I think everyone should ask themselves. This refers back in part to number 2, but I want to specifically call this out. I had a mentor once say: "You shouldn't be engaged, unless you're looking to get married. You shouldn't be seriously dating if you aren't looking to get engaged. You shouldn't be causally dating if you aren't looking to be seriously dating. So my advice: Don't."¹

{To finish my thought 4 months later, I would add that you shouldn't be considering a relationship if you aren't looking to be dating. Also, serious consideration, prayer and talking to mentors need to happen before any of these jumps. I cannot express how much I regret starting the relationship when I did, and I am so grieved that I did. I could tell that some mentors were wary when I told them, and I wish that I had known my best friend more. My lost friendship haunts me. My decision making is incredibly flawed and inconsistent. I am not timid, but I'd almost wish that on myself more than this boldness that causes so much frustration and regret.}

1:Darren Petersen

:End of original post:

4 months later
So, there you have it. I would hope to save others what I have gone through, if only to prevent more sorrow. I cannot change the past, but I can change the future. I will do my hardest to not make the same mistakes again, but I cannot hope to do that on my own. This is why I consult more, brood less, and love more freely and openly.

I will not make the claim to be perfect, but I will do my best to love the best that I can.